it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
