Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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