i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
