Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
