I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
