Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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