i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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