I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
