Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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