Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
