so that wasnt chicken after all
i need an iv and a liver transplant
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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