Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
