if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
