i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There r osticjed everywhere
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Can you bring me the toilet please
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
