BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
organizing the empties. That sober.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
