i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
