its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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