Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
