A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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