I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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