I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
