Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
