Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
