I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
