someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
where am i from again
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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