i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
