I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
