i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
