i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
