hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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