I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Randomize
