i permit you to call me
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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