I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
