Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
