I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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