I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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