She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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