Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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