We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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