I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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