I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
