i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
