I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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