I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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