I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
