I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
