Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
