Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
