Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
