We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
